ALL FURIOUS. How to stop being mad for any reason? Manual
Anger, irritation and anger can cause anything — including keys that are impossible to find on the bottom of the bag, or stupid comments in social networks. Or you are denied a well-deserved (in your opinion) be improved. Or perhaps you’re late for work — and suddenly the child sheds fresh orange juice on white and ironed shirt. This is all VERY ANNOYING.
On the one hand, experiencing anger — it is natural, it is the fundamental emotion. On the other hand, your loved ones suffer from incontinence, and indeed constantly rage — hard. At the request of “Medusa” the candidate of psychological Sciences and a specialist in the field of emotional regulation Alain Prihodko explained what to do if you frequently fly into a rage, you are not able to control themselves and pick on others (and want to deal with it).
Temper may depend on innate characteristics and acquired. In any family there are the so-called patterns of emotional response: in childhood we learn to control himself, watching the adults, through imitation of and identification with parents or relatives. If the senior has allowed his aggression, then the child can learn to Express your feelings cry and fists. Restraint in the principle of social skill: some people can learn to manage their emotions (e.g., pre-estimating consequences), and someone unable to cope with them. Or do not want. In addition, anger is an emotion of a socially privileged person: the head may Express anger towards a subordinate, but not Vice versa. With parents and children the same.
If you feel that you have issues with anger and want to fix it — consider the first step already done.
Analyze your triggers
Triggers are situations, people, thoughts that cause you sharp emotions. For example, for parents, the most frequent trigger becomes disobedience of the child. The traditional family model and education of children implies that the child must obey their parent in all things. If this happens, parents feel that their authority is undermined — and this eventually causes anger and aggression. Especially if they had experience of their own moms and dads who decide on controversial issues, shouting or even physical punishment. Or someone can absolutely not tolerate tardiness: if your friend is late (never happened, and here again!) you literally start to shake. Anger occurs where we care and where we are particularly sensitive.
So your triggers need to learn to prepare for situations in advance. For example, if you know that your friend is constantly late, it is possible, for example, to bring a coloring book if it makes you feel calm. Or enable while waiting for the music that makes you happy.
Also remember that any action has its cause — even chronic tardiness or unwillingness to do homework.
Be prepared for temper
The famous proverb says: if I knew where he fell, straws would spread. To ensure that you’ll be angry, you need to prepare in advance: consider how to remind yourself to stop and not dive into an emotional vortex. Imagine how you pour hot coffee in a large Cup: you pour, pour, pour — and eventually it loaded to the gills directly on the bare leg. Hurt, hurt and the need to eliminate the consequences. This would not have happened if you followed their actions and stopped in time. But you need to be attentive to their feelings, to know the Cup sizes and the temperature of the drink. And with anger.
If you know in advance in what situations it can be testing and in what situations do you especially difficult to handle, you will be much easier to stop it at the beginning and exhale. And then breakdown will not occur. Signs of impending outbursts of violence may be different: someone starts to clench his fists or warms neck, someone feels of breath.
Observe yourself, remember what you’re going through, and then cope with the momentum will be easier.
Change your way of thinking
Emotions, including anger, are directly linked to thoughts. It can be thought about being horribly offended, or that life is unfair. The Creator of dialectical behavioral therapy Marsha, Linehan offers the metaphor of a “Teflon mind.” Imagine that your consciousness is like a Teflon frying pan, which is easy to slide off even the remnants of the burnt eggs into the trash. And now the bad thoughts slip away, and you’re peacefully sipping coffee that flowed out of the Cup. No matter how tired in the last time the word “mindfulness” (or mindfullness) — this is it.
Balanites
Interesting and useful to look more deeply and to understand, what your values are, in principle, affect your anger — what role she plays in your relationship with other people. Our emotions are functional: if the person we are trying to convey to him that his behavior is unacceptable to us. Think how to explain it without anger? Most likely, it will appear that the same purpose can be achieved far less aggressive way.
Use surrounding objects for peaceful purposes
In a fit of rage we often want something to run in the wall or even in fact with whom we are angry. Throw plates, things to throw right and left or beat the pillow — classic intemperate expressions of anger. Actually it is the aggressive actions, which can only recharge your anger.
To calm down, you can use the surrounding objects or stop words.
Specialist in emotional regulation, a Stanford Professor James gross calls them “contributing elements.” For example, in the movie “anger Management” character Jack Nicholson, a therapist, taught his clients at the time of acute anger in a singsong voice to pronounce the strange word “groupframe”. “Goosfraba” — sang customers and gradually calmed down: this nonsense was associated with the psychotherapy group, gave a pause and threw a bridge between anger and the ability to pull myself together.
For example, you know how difficult it is to put the kids to bed, but you don’t want to raise your voice or punish. Will help not only the rules in relations with children, but also work on yourself. For example, you can hang on the wall print of the frontal lobes (which are responsible for managing emotions) and write on it: “Peace! Take care of your neurons!” Or, for example, you for some reason, annoying co-worker. Put next to the PC card itself that says “Breathe” — and every time you will have to roll your anger, you will remember that you need to breathe — for example, on the count of ten.
Finally, it is important to remember that anger is an emotion needed to attack, so deal with it well helps and exercise.
Do not try to “sort things out” during an argument
If you want to talk with a close friend about anger, it is better to do it before you “suffered”. You can tell that you are upset or annoyed and that you would like to change. Maybe you have ideas — or you want to find a way together. Try not to accuse and not “claim”: this is also a kind of aggression, which again can result in a fight or serious conflict. During a quarrel, in principle, should not try to solve the problem. In the case of most other emotions to cope with them, it helps to talk about their feelings. But with the rage and anger all the more difficult. If you are already in a rage and start talking about your problems and aggressive emotions, anger can only increase.
Remember that emotion can be “infected”
There is a relatively studied the phenomenon of emotional contagion. It is an unconscious process associated with empathy: we “caught” someone else’s emotion non-verbally, through facial expressions, gestures, direction of gaze. Scientists say that this can even occur remotely (for example, if you watch the video), and sadness is more “contagious” than joy.
Of course, not always. Make it happen, man, “conveys” emotion you need to Express emotions brighter than you, but not to worry about your feelings. As, for example, a small and desperately crying child. It is important to notice these moments, to protect its borders, not to succumb to someone else’s anger, again try to remain calm.
Don’t be afraid to explore myself
Be sure to analyze yourself — in fact worse than it.
Observe how there are your responses: from situation to emotion, then to the clear thought, the desire to do something and, in the final real action.
Let’s say you’re stuck in traffic on the way to an important meeting. First you feel anger, then swear to myself, then I start to panic (“Oh man, I’m late, what will happen now, all is lost”), then feel the desire to RAM the front facing the machine, as in GTA, but in the end with all the forces honk.
If you a few days of aiming watch your anger, you will begin to notice patterns in the reactions and their background. For example, emotionally focused therapists say that anger is often a secondary emotion that hides fear, anxiety, shame or guilt. And anger is a sort of disguise, as the lid of the pan, which rage very different feelings.
Got pissed with this statement? Let’s discuss in the chat! See also How to behave with the child in the aircraft or the store, if he is naughty. Manual At all, except for me, such an interesting life. What’s wrong with me? Why don’t we believe in your success and are afraid of exposure?
Alain Prihodko