“I didn’t know the sex until 37 years old, and now I regret it”

“I didn’t know the sex until 37 years old, and now I regret it”

Joseph lived without sex for decades, but forced celibacy did not make him a woman hater.


The average modern man parted with her virginity at the age of about 17-19 years old, but Joseph (name changed) was not so. Shame, disappointment, depression — that he experienced during his many years of abstinence. He is now 60, and he a widower. Joseph told his story in the transmission of bi-Bi-si Radio-5.

I remained a virgin until almost 40 years. I have no idea how many in the world still such people. But I felt like I should mark.NewsThat scares us sex: 8 phobias

I was terribly shy, always nervous, but I was not in isolation. I always had enough friends and girlfriends, just never friendships did not cross into intimacy.

In high school I was surrounded by many girls and women, but I never made a move on him, though, probably, it would be natural.

By the time I entered University, my behavior finally formed — I did not expect any relationship and not looking for them. Largely because of low self esteem and an underlying sense that no one finds me attractive.

Twenty years without hugs

If in their teen years and later, after twenty, you’ve never met, there is no reinforcement of their self-assessment; you can’t say to myself: “look, people like you, here’s the proof — you were a girl, and that girl you dated.”

And then the feeling of unattractiveness takes root and reproduces itself.

I never talked about it with friends, and they never asked. And if asked, I would, frankly, got shot down, because by that time it was very ashamed because I’m still a virgin.

Probably, it is impossible to say that society condemns people not having sex. But I still think if something is perceived as going beyond the norm, it is easy to start to assume it’s something perverted.

In a culture constantly emphasizes how important it is to enjoy success in women: popular songs, movies, movies for teenagers — very often they talk about relationships at a young age, and there is a persistent cultural stereotype of how “becoming a man”.

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I remember from the Frankie Valli song “Oh What a Night” — the meaning in how a woman takes and turns a boy into a man.

All of this made me ashamed of myself.

Almost all of my friends were girls. From a distance I watched them go into relationships and then get married. Drop by drop it eroded my self-esteem more and more.

I was lonely and in depression — though then didn’t realize. Perhaps the reason was the absence of a sexual relationship, but also that a close trusting relationship with anyone I didn’t have.

Now, looking back, I realize that for 15 or 20 years to me never even touched a human being, nobody’s never given me a hug and took the hand, except, of course, immediate family: mom, dad and my sisters. In addition to them, no physical, intimate contact does not exist. So it’s not just about sex.

If I saw a girl or woman that I liked, I felt no excitement, arousal or pleasure — instead, it immediately get a wave of sadness and sorrow. Everything was hopeless.

While I had no fear — I was afraid of being rejected, the idea was senseless — I was quite sure that no one would reciprocate on any sympathy that I’d had.

Tablet from shyness

Probably, I have developed such a defense mechanism — has formed a deep belief that hitting on women is wrong, what does it mean to impose them. I decided for myself that I will never dork who uses women.

I had a strong feeling that a woman has every right to live his life, walk to restaurants and to the movies without her constantly offered to enter into a sexual relationship.